SWM, 80, Enjoys Chastity and Whipping

Now that we know Pope John Paul II whipped himself with a belt, the Catholics are telling us how normal it is--as long as they're the ones doing it. (Anyone else, of course, is crazy and destined for Hell.)

Rev. Michael Barrett of the insane hardcore Opus Dei cult-within-the-cult explained to CNN:

"This voluntarily accepted discomfort is a way of joining oneself to Jesus Christ and the sufferings he voluntarily accepted in order to redeem us from sin. 'The Da Vinci Code's' masochist monk, who loves pain for its own sake, has nothing to do with real Christian mortification."

That's right. It couldn't be more different. Christians lie about why they whip themselves, while simple masochists tell the truth.

Show me a euphemism, and I'll show you a sublimation.

Or I'll just spank you, if you're into that.

American Dreams

From Associated Press:

"SPENCER, MASS.--Police believe that a man facing a foreclosure auction took his own life yesterday after shooting his sick wife and their horse, setting fire to their home, and torching his pickup."

Thank God we have guns to protect ourselves and capitalism to motivate people to better themselves.

It couldn't possibly be that we have government-assisted suicide and a permanent peasant class locked into despondency.

Punk's Definitely Dead

OK, so the Clash always were overrated thick-skulled whores for whom the phrase "Punk is dead" was specifically coined by Crass.

But for "London Calling" to appear on a British postage stamp?

"I won't open a letter bomb for you."

But you'll mail one.

Oops! Wrong Kind of Violence!

"He said Hendron was a hunter and had at least one gun but had not shown a propensity for violence."
--St. Louis Post-Dispatch, giving a friend's description of guy who went crazy and shot up his workplace

Indeed, he had not shown a propensity for violence. He had shown violence itself. But remember: Killing animals for fun, great; killing co-workers for probably some pretty compelling reason, bad. Thus, we condone violence even as we condemn it.

Ah, beautiful America, where guns protect us.

Excuse Me, Can You Spare a Cup of Baby Guts?

Our airport security system fails, so naturally we will now blow something up to make ourselves feel better.

Remember, Americans, the government might not be competent enough to protect you, but it can blow up somebody else's babies in revenge for your problems.

Shouldn't the "retaliatory strike" be on the Homeland Security department?

Truth in Government

"One thing I want to point out is that the system worked. Everybody played an important role here. The passengers and crew of the flight took appropriate action."
--"Homeland Security" Secretary Janet Napolitano

"That's a phrase taken out of context. Our system did not work in this incident. No one is happy with that."
--Napolitano, shortly thereafter

Napolitano has nothing to apologize for. This is truth in government. The system indeed worked exactly as it is supposed to: you are bilked for thousands of dollars that go to incompetent government security workers and heartless giant corporations, then are left to fight for your own life yourself. That is America in a nutshell.

And of course we must believe Janet that the phrase was taken out of context--in America, a mistake is always someone else's fault.

Bail-Out

The suspect in the attempted airplane explosion case is the son of a banker. I guess the government will be bailing him out.

Meanwhile, the hero of the day is a Dutch tourist. That's right--a Dutch tourist flying to Detroit. That's incredibly heroic. Stopping the terrorist was pretty impressive as well.

Play Patty-Cake While the Terrorist Kills You

The government and an airline have once again let a known terrorist organization affiliate get on a plane and try to kill everybody, with no one to stop him except the passengers themselves.

Naturally, this means that it is time to impose a bunch of kindergarten playground Simon-Says rules on the passengers, who clearly are the problem here. For starters, they cannot stand up in the one hour before landing.

But how exactly do we know when landing is, the way airlines are run these days? More importantly, what if I'm standing up to fight a terrorist the moronic airline let on the plane?

More stupid rules, brought to you by incompetent corporations and the government that absolved them of legal liability for their outrageous security flaws on 9/11. Remember, if a terrorist disaster happens, it's the victims' fault. And if a terrorist disaster is prevented, it will surely be thanks to the would-be victims.

Everything's the Same Now

A guy sets off a mini-bomb on an airplane. Thank god we set up the huge new airport security regime, put people on no-fly lists, dumped our hair gel in plastic bags and insituted the Patriot Act. All so that we can live exactly like it's 9/10 and any fool with a firecracker can get on a plane. Americans and their governments are such morons.

Pope Falls Down

Guess he isn't infallible.